Among the annals of athletics, the sport of Goose Racing is sadly absent. It has no Hall of Fame, it is completely missing from the Olympics, and no trading cards exist trumpeting the statistics of its brightest stars. Yet, it is a sport, or perhaps we should say “was” for we haven’t had the privilege of seeing a good goose race, or even a bad one for that matter.
Apparently, goose races were quite the thing in the late 1860’s. The goose race above took place in the Lake Basin in Chicago, and as it was adjudged a tie, the two parties split the $200.00 prize. It would probably be more accurate to call it “geese racing” but our forbearers didn’t mind the grammatical faux pas, so we’ll let it slide.
According to the literature, to participate in a race you first need to build yourself a goose chariot. This can be accomplished by taking a long piece of wood, approximately 6 feet long and 4 feet wide, and carving a large hole in the center. Now, into this hole goes a large washtub, which I’m sure the readership has handy. It is suggested that the wash board be removed from, the wash tub prior to installation. Having secured the tub to the plank, affix a long pole to the front of the tub, long enough to attach six geese. Geese are known to be bad tempered, so the caution is urged in affixing the geese to the poles.
Finally, place the entirety into the water, grab yourself a paddle so that in the event the geese do not propel your chariot with adequate speed, you can make it to shore. Now, climb in, which should wooden plank so that only the tub is above the water, and you’re ready for the race to begin.
We here at Forgotten Stories suggest to the readership a goose race, to be held on the Hudson River, with the challenger to provide the requisite geese. Any challenger may, if they so desire, affix said geese to a tachypodascaphe.